Victim of Choice
by Midnight Hawk
Summary: Oona Tabris always tried to do the right thing, no matter what the cost, but all choices eventually have consequences and sometimes the price is not worth the prize. Alistair/City Elf Female PC.
1. Chapter 1

I didn't choose to be born into the Alienage, anymore than I chose to be born an elf. I tried to do right by my parents, especially after my mother died. My mother chose to teach me the ways of thieving and my father decided to chose my future for me. I didn't object when he told me I'd been betrothed to a man I'd never met, it would make him happy if I wed where he chose.

My cousin chose to fight when the Arl's son came to take us away and the consequence of that choice led to her being violated. My husband-to-be chose to fight for us and died for it. I could not save either from their fate, but I chose to avenge them. I killed the Arl's son, knowing that there would be consequences beyond my control.

I did not choose to be conscripted into the Grey Wardens, again my future was chosen by another. I wondered if one day city elves might make their own choices, instead of our lives being shaped by humans.

When I first met you, you were arguing with a mage, despite my anxiety about joining the Grey Wardens and fighting my first battle, you made me smile. I had not met a human who could make me laugh before: Duncan was the first decent human being I'd met, but he was all business. You made me smile, it was a small candlelight in this world of darkness.

I was glad you were with me in the Wilds, I did not trust the other recruits. This seemed entirely a human affair, the only other elves I had seen were servants. What did I care for the battles of the human King when just growing up had been a struggle. My whole life I had to fight just to survive, just to earn the right to make a choice for myself.

I did not trust the swamp witches anymore than you did. My hand never left my dagger hilt the whole time we were there. Life has taught me that anyone doing you a favour has an ulterior motive, nobody does anything out of the goodness of their hearts. I hoped we'd never have to return.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid of the joining, your refusal to speak of it frightening me. But the choice was made for me, like everything else the world had to throw at me, I would endure it. When I woke up after drinking the fowl blood, the first thing I saw was you. I understood that despite our differences in gender, race, colour and creed, we were the same, united by this dark blood ritual. Why I felt this when I looked at you and not Duncan was not clear, but perhaps it was because Duncan was our leader, while you and I were as equals.

We fought together at Ostagar, and for a while, it seemed that we might die together there too. I do not know how we were saved, do not care to know. It was not something I chose and I do not wish to be obligated to a creature like Flemeth. But survive we did and now that we had been through that battle together we shared a bond.

You were understandably saddened by Duncan's death, he had been much more of a mentor and leader to you than he had ever been to me. I had not thought about humans' hurts before, in the Alienage they were the feared oppressor. Not someone you would call kinsman and friend. I did something then without thinking, I reached out to you and touched your shoulder. It might not have seemed like much, but I had never touched a human with kindness and sympathy before, never shared their pain like it was my own, never cared for one like a friend before.

The only sour note in this beginning of our friendship was, of course, Morrigan. She didn't care for either one of us and made that clear in her attitude and speech. I certainly didn't trust her, I was constantly chiding myself for trusting you, so I was certainly wary of a maleficar. I was sure she had her own reasons for travelling with us, sure there was some secret plot she and her mother had concocted. I kept an eye on her, lest she stick a dagger in my back.

In Lothering I became aware of the wealth of human suffering, before I had left the Alienage I did not think humans could be poor or destitute in the same way as elves, but now my eyes were open to the damage done by war and the Blight. This war was not one of my choosing, but it was in Lothering that I truly decided to fight.

As we journeyed together I slowly became aware of your eyes upon me, you looked to me as leader certainly, but you seemed to glance in my direction a little too often. It was not until we reached Redcliffe that you drew me aside for a private word. You told me that you were a bastard prince, the information alone meant nothing to me, it was the human King who allowed my people to live segregated and oppressed. I had met Callian before his death and thought him a fool, I did not think there was much resemblance between you. But the fact that you had chosen to tell me, that you trusted me enough to tell me, that was more important than your accident of birth. After all, you did not choose to be Maric's bastard any more than I chose to be born an elf.


	2. Chapter 2

When Nelaros, my husband-to-be who never was, died, I took the wedding ring he would have given me and wore it around my neck. I had a habit of worrying at it with my fingers when anxious and sometimes I would just take it off and flip the ring from finger to finger. It was a reminder of all the things I had left behind in the Alienage and of the choices that had brought me to this point.

You came and found me there in the camp, staring into the flames of the campfire, lost in thought. We were on route to the Circle of the Magi, as they were the only ones who could help us remove the demon from Connor. I refused to let someone die to rid the boy of his demon, it was not his fault that he was born a mage, it was not his fault that his mother had foolishly taken in a maleficar to teach him. I would not see Isolde die for making a bad decision and had said as much.

You seemed hesitant to approach me and in the firelight I saw a blush creeping across your features. You reluctant met my gaze and despite my brooding thoughts I smiled. This seemed to reassure you and you gave me a rose, I'd never received a gift from a man before, wasn't sure what to make of it. I wanted to give you something in return, something that would make you smile, but I had nothing to offer. I made myself a promise that I would find something to give you that would mean something, that would make you feel the warmth I felt when I was close to you.

I was annoyed with myself for feeling drawn to you, but you were the only one amongst our company who was also a Grey Warden. I tried to make friends with the rest of our companions, but Morrigan resisted all attempts and I could not bring myself to trust her regardless. Sten and I spoke but rarely, he did not seem to care about us or our mission. The dog was well, a dog, good for affectionate drooling, but not a great conversationalist. Leliana and I did manage to form a bond, but it was a simple friendship, being close to her did not make me feel so... human. Human is not really the word I want, being with you made me feel warm, wanted and safe, it might have been merely an illusion as we were fighting against a great and terrible evil, but whenever you were near, I breathed a little easier.

We were trapped in the Fade by the Sloth demon, I fought my way through nightmares to find you, tearing through the fabric of dreams. I found you dreaming of family and you seemed to want me to be with them. I could see how it would be tempting for you to forget about duty and your father's blood and just be. But it wasn't real, Grey Wardens don't get to settle down and raise kids, or at least, not for long. I broke the dream for you and ripped you out of the demon's clutches.

Afterwards I wanted to ask you about your dream, about this sister of yours, but that was private information and I was not the type to pry into personal matters. You told me of growing up among the Templars, though I could scarcely imagine you hunting down maleficarium. When Wynne had purged Connor of the demon I found your mother's amulet in the Arl's rooms and knew that this was the gift I should give you to rival that rose.

I found you on the battlements of the castle at Redcliffe, it was a warm night and it was hard to believe that this place had recently been overrun with monsters. I remember that you had been a child here, it seemed a much nicer place to grow up in than the Alienage, I envied you a little, even though you had been sent away to the Templars and had been miserable there.

"Couldn't sleep either, huh?" you asked me.

"No, it's like those dreams are just waiting for me to close my eyes," I said.

"It does get better," you replied, patting me on the shoulder.

"I wish we could have woken the Arl," I said, "I do not like leaving things half-done."

"But you have already done so much, not everyone would have tried to save Connor,"

"That was an easy choice to make, what kind of person would I be if I let demons roam free in children?"

I bit my lip, why was I so nervous? I hadn't felt half this distressed on my wedding day, I was just giving you a present, it shouldn't make me tremble from head to foot and make my stomach tie itself in knots.

"I have something for you," I said and thrust the amulet towards you, clumsily. You'd told me about the amulet, of course, but neither of us had ever expected me to find it. You stared mutely at it for a while then suddenly pulled me into an embrace. You hugged me fiercely and quickly, letting go before I had realised I was in your arms.

You were blushing and, I realised, so was I. It was silly to get so worked up over a gift, we were both grown beings and here we were acting like teenagers. I pushed away the embarrassment and took the amulet up in my hands.

"Here, let me put it on for you," I said, reaching around his neck. I hadn't thought this through, as the movement brought us nose to nose. You reddened again as I fastened the clasp of the amulet. I smiled and impulsively let my hand rest at the base of your neck once I had finished, reluctant to move away.

You swallowed hard and then ran a tentative hand through my hair, my brow and then finally my cheek, tracing the path of my facial tattoos. We stared into each other's eyes for a time, reluctant to move apart or press forward. Then you began to move away from me, disengaging from our sudden closeness.

"No," I said, making a choice for myself for once, and pressed my lips against yours.


	3. Chapter 3

You were not the first male I had kissed, but I guess my cousin doesn't count, especially when we were both ten, but you were the first person I had kissed with passion and interest. Yes, I had been previously saving myself for my arranged marriage and I knew you had never been with a woman, but what did that matter now? I wanted to be with you and chose to express my interest with a kiss.

"Maker's breath," you muttered after reluctantly withdrawing from the kiss.

"That bad, huh?"

"I never dreamed... well actually I did but, I mean, I never expected you to-"

"Hush, I know," I said and silenced you with another kiss. We said nothing else for some time, our mutual feelings were obvious and needed no words to express them.

On our journey to Denerim I was clearly basking in the warm glow of this marvellous new love, which went not unnoticed by our companions. Perhaps it was not so wise, allowing myself to fall for you when we both were bound by honour and our duty as Grey Wardens. But I wanted this, I chose to have it and wisdom has little do with matters of the heart anyway.

You were sitting by the fire at our camp and it occurred to me that not so long ago when I thought of humans, it was the face of Vaughan, the face of the enemy. But now, the face of humanity was your face, you were all the men of you race to me and I wondered if I was the face of all elves to you. I came up and hugged you from behind, holding you close to my heart.

"Alistair?"

"Yes?"

"Would you like to join me in my tent?"

"In your tent? As in-"

"Lamppost licking? Yes. Why not?"

"Well, I uh... it's not that I don't want to... I'm just no good at these things."

"You mean you want to wait?"

"I want it to be right, I want to do you justice."

"You really want to wait? When we're both Grey Wardens with a very limited life span, fighting a war against the Blight that could see us both dead at any moment? You want to gamble on that chance of having time for perfect love someday, when we could have it all now?"

"Well, when you put it like that..."

I smiled. "I didn't chose to be a Grey Warden, Alistair, but I can choose this. I want to be with you, even if it's not perfect like the way you want it to be."

We went to my tent, shedding our clothes and our shyness with them. We were a little clumsy together at first, not knowing what to expect. But afterwards, lying in your arms, I felt justified and happy in my choice.

"You were right, you do have some interesting shaped moles," I muttered, snuggling close to your chest.

"I cannot believe you brought that up!"

"Well if you're very good to me I'll forget about that promise you made me about dancing the Rheingold in a dress."

You laughed and started doing things that even now I would blush to describe and thankfully I don't need to since I'm sure you remember. I never thought it would hurt this much just to think back on those times, knowing what I know now.

It was later during this journey that we encountered Zevran. I was pleased to have another elf in the party, though he only had to take one look at me to see that I only had eyes for you. I had not met a elf with such a carefree manner before, I guess he didn't grow up in an Alienage. Lucky sod.

I helped you find your sister Goldanna and both of us were surprised at her caustic manner and money grubbing antics. Privately I thought she had nothing to complain about, her children were safe, fed and warm with a roof over their heads . They were not forced to grow up in a ghetto, ignorant of their own history and traditions. I let you take the gold to give her though, I knew it would make you feel better.

Then there was our conversation about the future, the conversation I had been trying to avoid. My fingers were entwined with yours, my head leaning upon your shoulder. I wished we could have stayed that way forever.

"I love you Oona."

"I love you... my prince."

"I wish you wouldn't call me that, reminds me of all the other things we are supposed to be doing."

"Isn't this the most important thing to you?" I asked, and immediately wished I hadn't.

"I... oh by the maker, we are not normal people! Duty and honour have to come first, ending the blight is more important than anything else."

"Not to me," I muttered, jerking my head away from your shoulder.

"Oh please let's not do this," you said, wrapping your arms tightly around me, "not on top of everything else."

"Then let's hope we never have to choose between duty and love," I said, allowing myself to be thoroughly kissed and made love to.


	4. Chapter 4

We were in Arl Eamon's estate when he suggested putting you on the throne. It was clear to me that Loghain had to be removed from power, but I had not realised that would put you in line for the throne. Foolish of me to think that your accident of birth could be swept aside just because I wanted to ignore it. You didn't want to be King, that much was clear and, selfishly, I did not want you to be King either.

We went to rescue Anora only to be captured and imprisoned by Ser Cauthrien and her men. I could think of worse things than to be imprisoned with you, especially with the way you were filling that rather ragged underwear. Such an inappropriate thought for what could have been a dire situation for us both, but truth be told I was learning to savour every moment I had with you, sensing that there would be little time for intimacy in the lands meet and war that lay ahead of us.

Anora wanted to remain ruler, but that was enough for Arl Eamon, who proclaimed that a royal throne could only be passed to those of the blood. We needed Anora's support at the lands meet, else we would never be able to show the extent of Loghain's crimes. I saw the possibility of a compromise, though it pained me to even consider it.

I broached the topic of an alliance with Anora first, because if she refused, then you would never need to know I had thought of it. But she was amenable to the possibility of marrying you. I sat and thought on the matter for almost an hour. You said that duty and honour came first, if that was so, then it was your choice to make, not mine.

Resolved I went to you and asked if you would consider marrying Anora as well as taking the throne.

"What?" You exclaimed. "How could you even suggest such a thing!" You grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. "There is only one woman I want to marry and it is not Anora." You kissed me fiercely to prove the point. I pushed you away, the only time I had not welcomed your advances.

"Listen to me, we need Anora's support, you would be a good King with her at your side," I said, stroking your face.

"But what about us?"

"Anora said that she doesn't care if you have... other women. Caillan had whores apparently."

"I- you, you are no whore... oh I can't believe you're asking me this, can't believe I'm even considering it. It's mad, crazy bad wrong mad and you know it. Let's stop being crazy and just calm down."

"Aren't honour and ending the blight the most important things to you?"

"Oh throwing my words back in my face, that's payback is it? I love you more than honour, there, is that what you wanted to hear?"

"This isn't about us anymore, you big dope, this is about what is good for Ferelden!"

You sighed and it was the resigned sigh of a man who knew he had lost the argument.

"Very well... if Anora agrees to an alliance I will consider marrying her, but we have a lot of unfinished shouting and make up sex to do later. You owe me several big happy times."

I smiled, despite myself. Could I be happy as just your mistress? I thought I could, it's not like an elf could be anything more than a bed warmer to a human noble, let alone a King.

We went back to the Alienage to discover than Loghain was selling my people, my family and my friends into slavery. I found that my father had been taken by the slavers and we fought to recover him. I saw you watching as I was reunited with my father and I realised that the love of a father was something you'd never known. I introduced my father and my cousins to you and my friends, my hands going to the wedding ring that was still around my neck. My father was not oblivious to the warm smiles that you and I shared and I could feel his approval, having the ear of the King would mean I could enable great changes for my fellow City Elves. Since our time amongst the Dalish, I had been longing to return to the place that was once home and enable my kin to learn their true history.

But my plans were not to be, for at the Lands meet I chose you to challenge Loghain in combat and you slew him. Anora would not even contemplate a marriage, political or otherwise, with the man who had killed her father, however much he may have deserved it. You were to be crowned King, but without Anora at your side. You gave me a sidelong look, Loghain's blood still dripping from your sword, and I was filled with a sudden apprehension.

"We need to talk," you said, once we were again safe in the privacy of the Arl's estate. You sat me down quite firmly upon a bed and stared at me before you continued:"I'm going to be King, you made quite sure of that, but did you stop to think about the consequences?"

"I assumed you'd marry Anora and give her an heir," I said, not meeting your gaze.

"Well yes that worked out lovely, didn't it? I don't suppose it occurred to you that now I have to wed and sire a child on someone else?" I flinched. "Oh please don't tell me you were harbouring a secret desire to be the Queen."

"Only in my dreams," I said, bitterly.

"Ferelden would never accept an elven Queen, they will only accept a bastard because Cailan died without issue."

"I did not choose to be an elf!" I snapped.

"But you chose to make me King, I never wanted this and now I have to make sure I have an heir to leave behind when the Taint takes me. I have to marry someone, someone free of the taint who can raise my children. It's my duty and..."

"...duty comes first," I finished for you.

"I love you, Maker knows I do, but I have responsibilities now and, I... I can't be with you."

"So you choose honour over me? You won't fight for what you want? You'd give up that easily."

"A King cannot be... divided, I'm sorry, I didn't want to end it like this."

"Don't tell me you're sorry, you coward," I snapped, angry, even though this was all of my own doing. "All my life I've had to fight just for the right to make my own decisions and you, you won't even try." I stood up and pushed past you, furious.

You caught my arm: "As King, it is within my power to make things right for your people, I owe you that much."

"Let go of me," I snarled, tearing myself free from your grip.

I went into the gardens, though it was dark and the only light was from torches mounted on the distant battlements. I punched a tree in my impotent rage for a while, until my knuckles cracked and bled. Exhausted, I leant against the tree, until I heard the footfalls of another person in the garden.

It was Zevran, he came towards me, no doubt he could see the glimmer of my tears even in the darkness. He took hold of my bleeding hands and tutted at the state of them: "You should take better care of yourself, my dear. You do not have to completely let yourself go just because you love a fool."

"What would you know about it?"

"My chere, you were shouting loud enough for the whole estate to hear. And he is a fool for not fighting to be with you, no matter the cost."

"You have no shame do you?"

"None at all, I am very much the eager opportunist."

"You really think I would run straight into your arms after..."

"Why not? I would offer you solace, my lady. I am of your kind, surely I understand you better than that silly little man."

"Can... can you make me forget?" I asked, tears still streaming down my face.

"I cannot promise this, but I will promise to try." He put his arms about me and suddenly his mouth was on mine, warm and yearning. I thought of you as I felt him lift me up and push me against the tree.

"Yes, make me forget..." I mumbled as he slid inside me.


	5. Chapter 5

I will spare you the details of my time with Zevran, it is not my intention to hurt you any more than I have already. Can you forgive me love? That I let him do those things to me only moments after we parted, I certainly cannot forgive myself. I do not blame Zevran, I was using him as much as he was using me. Suffice to say, I did not forget your touch in his embrace, nor did his passion soothe my wounded soul.

I felt nothing when Riordan told us that someone had to die to kill the Archdemon. I knew would be either him or me that struck the blow, you, of course, had your precious duty to fulfil. Yes, I am still bitter and hurting. I was prepared to die for Ferelden, it would be my choice, my final one.

Then Morrigan came to me and whispered in my ear. I still did not trust her, but we had formed a grudging respect for each other's skills and formidable personalities.

"You do not have to die, you do not have to watch anyone else die," she said.

"I would gladly die if it meant ridding the world of the Blight."

"That is the Grey Warden speaking, 'tis not your heart speaking. As a woman, as a lover, would you wish your death on your friends?"

"I would not ask another to die in my place."

"You would not? Do you think Alistair would be content to watch you die? Do you think he would allow you to strike the last blow, feeling as he does for you?"

"He has other duties to preoccupy him."

"Bah, you and he are too alike, both wrapped up in infuriating sensibilities and foolish notions of honour. He loves you, he would not see you die, not while there was breath left in his body."

"So what would you suggest, what is your plan? Some foul dark magic, no doubt?"

"Convince Alistair to lie with me, this union will in time produce a child and that child will absorb the soul of the Archdemon. It will be a child with the soul of an old god, free of the taint."

"You want me to convince him to lie with you..."

"You have not limited your affections to one man, you cannot object to him seeking pleasure elsewhere surely? Do you think Zevran would rejoice at your death either?"

"I... it's complicated."

"I say it is simple, one small act and you can be free of this. You can choose to rid yourself of that cursed responsibility, you can free Alistair of pain. It is entirely up to you."

I thought it a deal with a demon and privately I hated Morrigan for offering me the choice, but I went to you, as you know. You were in the library, brooding over the coming battle, just laying my eyes upon you made my heart squeeze painfully in my chest. I love you yet, so much that I couldn't believe I was willing to ask you what I had come to do.

"Alistair..." You looked up and the pain we had caused each other was plain upon your face.

"What is it? More battle plans?" You asked, trying to avoid my gaze.

I couldn't help myself: "I... I still love you" I saw your expression soften for a moment, "despite everything I've said and done... I love you."

"Don't say these things," you muttered, "it only makes it harder to let go."

"What if I told you we didn't have to let go? What if there was a way for the demon to die without taking anyone with it?"

"What are you saying?" You were suspicious and I couldn't blame you for that.

"You can save my life... all you have to do is..." I couldn't say it, I almost gave up.

"What? Do what, for the love of all, spit it out!"

"Lie with Morrigan tonight," I managed, eventually.

"If this is your idea of a joke it really stinks."

"Please... don't turn me down now," I said, feeling the tears beginning to start. I didn't have to tell you everything, I could have lied, but I didn't want anything hidden between us, not anymore. I told you how Morrigan would have a child and that she would disappear from our lives once the battle was over with.

"I really don't like this idea," you said, "I despise Morrigan and everything she stands for."

"In the future, you will have to lie with someone to get an heir. Think of it as... practice."

"That's not funny, if I had it my way you'd have been the only woman I ever... was with."

"We are all the victims of our choices, Alistair, none more so that you and I. Please, I don't want to see you die anymore than you want to see me dead."

"It is a strange world when the woman you love is begging you sleep with someone you hate," you said. You pulled me into your arms and held me, gently and silently. We stayed like that for a long time, my tears soaking your shirt.

"Alright, let's get this over with," you muttered.

"Come back to me when your are... finished. Whatever little time we have left before the battle, I want to spend it with you."

You left and did the deed. Afterwards we never spoke of it, we just sat silently side by side in the window seat. Watching the night go by, our hands close together but not touching. I was afraid to touch you now, you were blocked off from me. We were yet friends, but no longer lovers, though restraining myself from throwing my arms about you and forging our lips together in desperate passion was so difficult as to be painful. How could I stay and watch you marry another, if just being around you was so painful? How could I endure you fathering children and watching them grow up?

The night passed too quickly and then we were in the full throes of battle. It was with some trepidation that I delivered the final blow to the dragon that was the Archdemon. What if Morrigan's ritual did not work? Not only would I die, but I would have begged you to lie with her to no end. I almost wished for oblivion as I struck the blow, it would have spared me the pain of living without you.

But it worked and we all still lived, well apart from Riordin, but he had died a hero, which was enough for any Grey Warden. You were crowned King and I was proud of you. You asked me to stay and become the new leader of the Alienage, but I asked that you gave the position to my ever faithful cousin Shianni instead. You looked at me curiously, but there was no place for private talks in the palace.

"What will you do now?" You asked me quietly.

"I will be leaving with Zevran and Leilana, we are going to look for Morrigan." Maker help me, but this was a lie. It was the first and only time I had lied to you, Zevran and Leilana knew the truth, but they had sworn secrecy, they knew that even as King you would not allow me to do what I intended to do.

By the time you read this, it will be too late to stop me. Shianni is under strict instruction not to give you this letter until I am long gone. I thought I would be happy to live, thought I could escape the burden that all the Grey Wardens share, but I chose poorly. You see, my love for you is strong and will not die, if I could I would tear my heart from my breast and it would burn yet still. I almost hate you for igniting this feeling within me, this overwhelming obsession that can never be extinguished or fulfilled.

I am not looking for Morrigan, though if I saw her again I would gladly slit her throat and cut out her heart. She should not have interfered, she should not have offered us that choice. I was too weak not to accept her offer and you were too enamoured of me to refuse my pleading for my useless wasted life. I hope she is happy, alone and pregnant in the wilds, I only wish I had not killed Flemeth for her, I only wish she could feel some extent of the misery I feel.

We chose poorly, you and I. I cannot fault you for casting me aside, I should never had pushed you into being King. I am the victim of my own choices and unlike you, my love, I cannot live with them. I have no duty to tie me to life, so I shall do what all Grey Wardens do when their time grows near, I will take myself to the Deep Roads and lose myself in the shadows there.

I leave you the wedding ring my Nelaros never had the chance to give to me, my love. Keep it as a reminder of all the things we shared and of all the things we cannot have. Give it to your eldest child when your time comes, for the only place we can be together again is in the grave. I look forward to that day.

I love you, and I'm sorry.


End file.
